(Notes for the Abu Dhabi Bar Mitzvah)

[UPDATE 11:33 a.m. EST] Election Results Final

Statistically irrefutable data collected from the early morning hours at polling sites has revealed the winner of the 2012 —— Jesus Willard Mitt Christ, you didn’t really think this could happen did you?

With 0% of the ballots counted there’s a 99% chance that you could use a chill pill right now. Instead of listening to nine hours of predictions about what will happen nine hours from now, a recent Dept. of Health study has revealed that you are better off “waiting nine hours and just finding out for your fucking self.”

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